I was Thinking of Ending my Life but an Irresistible Power Saved Me
Cemetery or Prison
Those were the place I might end up if I hadn’t found my purpose.
When I was in college, I wanted to be free. Free from my parent’s rules. I want to prove to people that I can decide on my own.
I went to college far away from home. I was in a city where everyone seemed to be enjoying what they were doing, free from the judgment of other people.
The lifestyle of the city people so attracted me. I made different kinds of friends. Many of them were opinionated, living a wild and free life.
I joined them. At first, it was fascinating until a time came when the things they were doing didn’t make sense anymore.
Though I knew they were not reasonable anymore, I still joined them. Why? Because doing what they were doing gave me a sense of control over my life, but I was wrong.
What happened was I got into the wrong crowd. I got involved in illegal drugs and got addicted to alcohol. I experienced a lot of vices, including womanizing.
I was living a sinful life.
My character was negatively affected, and my mind got corrupted. I became a man full of hate.
My relationship with other people had gone worse. People don’t want to be associated with me. Many of them told me that I was hopeless and had no future, and I couldn’t change.
My relatives don’t want me in their homes anymore. Well, I can’t blame them. I became wild and untameable.
Among the people with whom my relationship was greatly affected were my parents. Every time I got into trouble, they couldn’t sleep, they were hurting, but I was so naive and insensitive.
Instead of asking forgiveness, do you know what I did? I intentionally spiel words that made their spirit crushed and made them shed tears from their sorrowful eyes.
What a rebel I became. I made my parents suffer. I disrespected the very people who nurtured me.
While writing this, my tears fell from my eyes because I recalled how evil and ungrateful I was. I understand that you get angry with me, but give me a chance to continue.
My life was a mess: no direction, meaning, value, and purpose. I was living in the dark.
But there is one thing that I realized. I was suffering too. Do you know why?
My immoral acts and disrespectful actions towards my parents didn’t give me peace of mind.
One day, I came to my senses. I realized how wounded my parents were due to my actions. I was remorseful.
I was so depressed. I was a failure.
One night, while drinking alone, I planned how to end my life. Yes, I thought of ending my life because of my shame, but fear of death held me from taking my life.
Then something exciting happened.
Encounter with the light
On a rainy afternoon, I was meeting an old friend.
At the end of our meeting, She asked me how my spiritual life was. And I responded, “Not ok. I want to get involved in something that can help me find my purpose.”
At that time, I sought meaning in life and tried to fix what I had done.
She invited me to join the church where she attended, and it was there that I felt something dramatic happen. I discovered something that changed my life.
I discovered Jesus.
Maybe some of you reading this will laugh or mock, but I don’t care. Here’s what you need to know.
In the Philippines, where I live, Jesus is not new because Christianity is the largest religion here.
I was raised in a Christian family and educated in a Christian school, but it was only at that moment that I fully understood what Jesus did for me and his purpose why he was here. The explanation of Jesus is much more transparent and more logical.
Here’s what I discovered about Jesus:
They said that God loved me and had an excellent plan for me.
I have already heard this many times, and nothing is new.
He wants me to have an abundant life.
I can’t experience this incredible life because I am sinful, and I need help.
Now, this made sense. I admit that what causes my pain is due to my wrong decisions. But the following truth that I knew blew my mind.
There is a solution, and that is Jesus. God provided His son Jesus Christ. He suffered and died for my sins.
Now, this is heavy. It is serious because I remembered that I went to a church and challenged people about their God who doesn’t care and told them that I would instead choose satan than Him.
After all the things I have done to Him, He died for me and willing to forgive me? Very interesting
All I need to do is accept Him as my Lord and Savior
I did receive Jesus. After doing it, I felt renewed and rejuvenated. I was like carrying the whole world before coming to Christ, but after I surrendered my life to Christ, I was floating with joy.
After knowing that truth, I became interested in knowing Jesus more. I attended regular bible study, and it was there that I had a deeper relationship with Jesus.
The more I knew Jesus, the more I found meaning, value, and purpose in my life.
I now have a sense of direction and want to do more for Him. I want to go out and tell broken people in my community about Jesus. I want to be a good witness to Jesus.
In my heart, I know I want to do full-time for the Lord, but circumstances have hindered me in pursuing what God wants me to do.
In my following writing, I will share the challenges I faced that hindered me in pursuing God’s purpose.