I was Thinking of Ending my Life but an Irresistible Power Saved Me

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Cemetery or Prison

Those were the place I might end up if I hadn’t found my purpose.

When I was in college, I wanted to be free. Free from my parent’s rules. I want to prove to people that I can decide on my own.

I went to college far away from home. I was in a city where everyone seemed to be enjoying what they were doing, free from the judgment of other people.

The lifestyle of the city people so attracted me. I made different kinds of friends. Many of them were opinionated, living a wild and free life.

I joined them. At first, it was fascinating until a time came when the things they were doing didn’t make sense anymore.

Though I knew they were not reasonable anymore, I still joined them. Why? Because doing what they were doing gave me a sense of control over my life, but I was wrong.

What happened was I got into the wrong crowd. I got involved in illegal drugs and got addicted to alcohol. I experienced a lot of vices, including womanizing.

I was living a sinful life.

My character was negatively affected, and my mind got corrupted. I became a man full of hate.

My relationship with other people had gone worse. People don’t want to be associated with me. Many of them told me that I was hopeless and had no future, and I couldn’t change.

My relatives don’t want me in their homes anymore. Well, I can’t blame them. I became wild and untameable.

Among the people with whom my relationship was greatly affected were my parents. Every time I got into trouble, they couldn’t sleep, they were hurting, but I was so naive and insensitive.

Instead of asking forgiveness, do you know what I did? I intentionally spiel words that made their spirit crushed and made them shed tears from their sorrowful eyes.

What a rebel I became. I made my parents suffer. I disrespected the very people who nurtured me.

While writing this, my tears fell from my eyes because I recalled how evil and ungrateful I was. I understand that you get angry with me, but give me a chance to continue.

My life was a mess: no direction, meaning, value, and purpose. I was living in the dark.

But there is one thing that I realized. I was suffering too. Do you know why?

My immoral acts and disrespectful actions towards my parents didn’t give me peace of mind.

One day, I came to my senses. I realized how wounded my parents were due to my actions. I was remorseful.

I was so depressed. I was a failure.

One night, while drinking alone, I planned how to end my life. Yes, I thought of ending my life because of my shame, but fear of death held me from taking my life.

Then something exciting happened.

Encounter with the light

On a rainy afternoon, I was meeting an old friend.

At the end of our meeting, She asked me how my spiritual life was. And I responded, “Not ok. I want to get involved in something that can help me find my purpose.”

At that time, I sought meaning in life and tried to fix what I had done.

She invited me to join the church where she attended, and it was there that I felt something dramatic happen. I discovered something that changed my life.

I discovered Jesus.

Maybe some of you reading this will laugh or mock, but I don’t care. Here’s what you need to know.

In the Philippines, where I live, Jesus is not new because Christianity is the largest religion here.

I was raised in a Christian family and educated in a Christian school, but it was only at that moment that I fully understood what Jesus did for me and his purpose why he was here. The explanation of Jesus is much more transparent and more logical.

Here’s what I discovered about Jesus:

They said that God loved me and had an excellent plan for me.

I have already heard this many times, and nothing is new.

He wants me to have an abundant life.

I can’t experience this incredible life because I am sinful, and I need help.

Now, this made sense. I admit that what causes my pain is due to my wrong decisions. But the following truth that I knew blew my mind.

There is a solution, and that is Jesus. God provided His son Jesus Christ. He suffered and died for my sins.

Now, this is heavy. It is serious because I remembered that I went to a church and challenged people about their God who doesn’t care and told them that I would instead choose satan than Him.

After all the things I have done to Him, He died for me and willing to forgive me? Very interesting

All I need to do is accept Him as my Lord and Savior

I did receive Jesus. After doing it, I felt renewed and rejuvenated. I was like carrying the whole world before coming to Christ, but after I surrendered my life to Christ, I was floating with joy.

After knowing that truth, I became interested in knowing Jesus more. I attended regular bible study, and it was there that I had a deeper relationship with Jesus.

The more I knew Jesus, the more I found meaning, value, and purpose in my life.

I now have a sense of direction and want to do more for Him. I want to go out and tell broken people in my community about Jesus. I want to be a good witness to Jesus.

In my heart, I know I want to do full-time for the Lord, but circumstances have hindered me in pursuing what God wants me to do.

In my following writing, I will share the challenges I faced that hindered me in pursuing God’s purpose.

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Lemark Bulalhog

Lemark Bulalhog

I am a Christian inspirational writer and content creator. I seek to help people find purpose, meaning, and value in their life.